Girls. Don't. Fart.

Farts. The other "F" word we try to physically avoid especially when in public except for that weird drunk guy waiting in the express check-out line at the local Safeway who doesn't have a clue. Guys, more specifically, single guys, did you ever wonder why your date all of a sudden dismissed herself from the dinner table? You thought you got ditched. You thought it was your fart that you so innocently let loose on complete accident that scared your date away.

Shut it. Just shut it. I'm here to tell you that your date had to fart. As a matter of fact, she might have sharted (definition: when you shit your pants/panties just a little bit and create a brown streak of some sort. It kind of sucks and from what I've heard, a bit uncomfortable). There is also a slight possibility your date straight shit her pants (this is rare, but does happen. I don't think you need a definition for this, but just in case you are like that one clueless drunk guy at Safeway, here you go). Wait! Hold the phone ...or your toilet paper! Girls don't fart.

But if they did...

Go Before You Go

Ladies, I'm here to help you out during these somewhat common situations. The key is being proactive.

1.Get these tools:
- Perfume
- Shower
- Beano
- Smelly (good smelly) lotion
- A radio in the bathroom or IPOD hook up
- Smelly (good smelly) soap
- A neighbor or friend that lives near by. Like super near by.

2. Eat and go before you go
Before a date, you should have a small dinner or lunch. Make sure to use your own toilet (and toilet paper) and your own pad (as in house) before your date, but not too close to  your date time because what if your date wants to come upstairs? This is especially important if you live in a studio because your whole apartment will be stinky, so be proactive and go before you go!

3. Avoid super farty party foods
When you are on your date, order a burrito with no beans and light cheese. Take beano and follow the directions. Go to the bathroom before you leave the restaurant. This way, you don't have to be uncomfortable and potentially fart later on in the evening when your date is still around.

3. Shower after your farty party at your place!
If you choose to ignore steps one through three and you end up at your place (hopefully it is your place because you really don't want to stink up his bathroom or clog the toilet and yes, this does happen), you can always go to the bathroom at your pad. However, you will have to think of some lame excuse as to why you are all of a sudden taking a shower right after dinner. I suppose you could just say, "I'm going to take a quick shower and freshen up." What else would you say? At this point, your farty party has just been busted because you pretty much just said, "I have to shit, but I'm turning on the shower so you can't hear anything and for some reason, the shower might cover the smell." You ignored steps one through three so what else can I do for you?

4. Be honest. "I have to shit OK! F@$k you!"

Don't care about farting? Keep reading.

On my next burrito adventure, I decided to check out Pepinos in NW Portland. I ordered the Thai Burrito with chicken. Here are my observations:




Pepinos - Thai Burrito

1. Size: huge (the "that's what she said" jokes are getting old so get your mind out of the gutter). It's like a shake weight that you don't want to shake because beans and sauce will end up flying everywhere.

2. Tortilla: pretty darn good. I got a wheat tortilla and it was charred just right, but sauce was oozing out of the ends.

3. First Bite: rice, lots of rice and a whole lot of some sort of peanut sauce. Second bite is chicken, more sauce, like lots of sauce. Don't get me wrong, the sauce is good (a bit sweet), but runny. The peppers add a nice crunch. I have to eat this thing fast before it turns into soup.

4. Veggies/Toppings: chicken, rice, peppers to sauce ratio? Not equal. I think there are beans in this...or it is part of the sauce?

5. Ends: they are fabulous. Just the right amount with some rice and chicken which left for a perfect last bite. Yes, I finished the whole thing. I have sticky hands, sticky table, sticky clothes...sauce here, sauce there.

6. Burrito overall rating (A-F scale): I give this bad boy a B. It's good, but you guessed it. Too much sauce.


There you have it. Want to help me accomplish my goal? Suggest a place I have to try! You never know...we could be famous.  

King Burrito Portland, Oregon: Do You Head Bop?

It has been a while. Let me explain. I began having horrible headaches that made staring at a computer and writing about burritos rather painful. Eating them was still awesome. After two months of feeling like the biggest burrito ever created was sitting on top of my head, I finally decided to see a doctor.

I told the doctor about my symptoms. I expected her to suggest the usual: food allergies, stress, neck strain, sitting at the computer for too long problem, etc. Instead, I was asked whether or not I feel pressure in my head while I poop. She also made a strange head bop movement when she asked as if she was one of those bobble head characters. I suppose this was her way of mimicking the pressure or pain in my head.

I was definitely surprised by her first question. Doesn't everyone feel pressure in their head from time to time while dropping d? Example: first time meeting your boyfriend's parents. The meeting happens to take place at their house. His mom decides to make Mexican food because she finds out it is your favorite. She also made two types of bean dip that you can place on top of your burrito...the burrito already has beans inside of it. FML. After dinner, you have to use the facilities. However, because you are too worried about the bathroom smelling anything but rose like, you feel forced to "hold it." Holding it just sucks. Your stomach hurts and you can't concentrate on any meaningful conversation because you are too fixated on squeezing your butt cheeks together. Next, you go to the bathroom and try to pee without farting, but that is an epic fail. There is no air freshener to cover the evidence, so you end up washing your hands eight times with the scented soap in hopes that the soap will mask the monstrosity. My point is, holding it leads to constipation which leads to more strain when you can finally use your bathroom at home, which can lead to pressure in your head. I think? This example may or may not be an actual, true event.

Back at the doctor's office, I responded to her poop strain question by saying that I occasionally feel pressure in my head when I use the bathroom. She looked shocked. The doctor asked a few more interesting questions all followed by that strange head bop. Get a neck brace lady.

The doctor proceeded to say that my symptoms describe a brain tumor or an aneurysm. So, I have mild pressure in my head when I'm constipated and that means I could have an aneurysm? All of a sudden, I was afraid to do anything in fear of something in my head exploding. An urgent CT Scan with IV contrast was ordered. I just want a burrito.

I waited two whole days for a test that could change the rest of my burrito-eating life. During the test, I questioned the tech like crazy. He assured me that nothing serious is found 90% of the time.

The results of my CT Scan came back negative. I have a healthy brain. I decided it was time to self diagnose myself since my doctor appeared to be looney. I improved my posture at the computer and performed deep breathing exercises daily. Apparently, I was suffering from tension headaches. I'll show you brain tumor! Now I'm back at it. I'm enjoying my burritos headache free, straining in all my glory. Hope you're hungry.

Roll out the red carpet. 

King Burrito | Portland, OR

King Burrito is located on Lombard Street in North Portland. It is a quaint little place that greets you with the smells of jalapeños and Lombard street. It is your standard walk-up, look at the menu, place your order, and grab a number type restaurant. There are a variety of burritos to choose from. I choose the King Burrito. Duh. This burrito has a chile relleno with re-fried beans, steak, avocado and some sort of sauce. This, of course, is all severed inside a flour tortilla. Here are my observations: 

1. Size: basically a newborn.

2. Tortilla: slightly charred on the outside. It feels like it is going to fall apart, but we'll see what happens.

The King

3. First Bite: the chile relleno is tangy and cooked to perfection. It is chewy, but not overcooked. The steak is cooked to a medium-well temperature and is tender and tasty. I'm happy so far. About four bites in and the burrito falls apart. It is now more of a salad in my hands as I try to devour the whole thing. My fingers are covered in beans and burrito. I'm determined to finish this sucker. A little mushy, but the flavor is good.

4. Veggies/Toppings: I think there might have been peppers and onions in this? Yes. Definitely onions and peppers on my shirt and jeans. Maybe I should use a fork? 

Inside the King Burrito 

5. Ends: the first bite (the first end or back/last end depending on how you look at it) was delicious. I got a nice bite of beans, cheese, steak and chili relleno. Whoot!

6. Overall: I liked King Burrito. I would recommend adding rice to the King Burrito if the King is the burrito that you choose to order. Also, for about four dollars, you can't go wrong. Expect to gain weight and a mess. This is the sacrifice you make for the love of good burritos. 

Want to help me accomplish my goal? Suggest a place I have to try! Looking forward to sharing my next experience with you soon.

Is There Mayo in This? Los Gorditos Burritos.

I know what you're thinking. I'm an overweight, extremely gassy girl? I have an insane amount of heartburn and as far as you know, Gallit (it's like 'delete' with a 'g') is not a name that came from south of the border? Well, some of these statements are true. Although, I'm refusing to specifically say which ones.

So, why is this Jewish, thirty-something year-old girl doing this? Maybe it's the cheese and bean combo, hot sauce and choice of meat all wrapped in one fine flour, wheat, corn, spinach, tomato, spicy, gluten free, or lettuce tortilla. What's missing? A bow on top because it feels like Christmas every single time I see a burrito on a plate. I finally understand why there is so much love surrounded around December 25th. I'm doing it. This girl is eating 100 burritos in six months.

Whether it's a new Mexican restaurant, bar or what not to do on a date (yes, I am going to talk about your crazy dating stories and perhaps a few of my own), you'll have a good time reading this and you might just learn something. Enjoy the ride. First stop - Los Gorditos in Portland's Pearl District.

This place is loaded with a whole bar of hot sauce, pickled veggies and salsa plus a menu with a selection of meat, vegan and vegetarian Mexican food including burritos of course. I ordered the tofu vegetarian burrito. Here are my observations:

Los Gorditos - Tofu Vegetarian Burrito

1. Size: I went to the gym prior to coming to Los Gorditos and my arms ached when trying to pick this thing up. It's big. Fork it is!

2. Tortilla: it is perfect. Slightly charred on the outside, but not burnt at all. The burrito is thick on both ends which in my opinion, is the best part (see "Ends" rating).

3. First Bite: lots of cheese, beans and what? Mayo? Is there mayo in my burrito? My friend Miranda confirmed it was sour cream. However, it was strange how the sour cream appeared to be mixed into the rice and beans. It made for an interesting taste and texture. Not what I am use to, but the tofu was firm, rice was good and the pinto beans were delightful.

4. Veggies/Toppings: I think there is lettuce in this? With so much bean and cheese and more bean and cheese..."Hey look! Bean and cheese." Basically, the lettuce gets lost in the burrito, but it included fajita veggies with the perfect amount of crunch. Nothing breaks a burrito more than soggy peppers and onions.

5. Ends: You know the part at the end of a burrito? It is usually 97% tortilla with just a dab of beans, cheese or whatever else might have come in the burrito. I consider this the best part. At Los Gorditos, the ends were great. The tortilla was just soft enough with the right amount of cheese and rice.


There you have it. Want to help me accomplish my goal? Suggest a place I have to try! You never know...we could be famous.  

Look out for my another burrito adventure next week.

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