Shut it. Just shut it. I'm here to tell you that your date had to fart. As a matter of fact, she might have sharted (definition: when you shit your pants/panties just a little bit and create a brown streak of some sort. It kind of sucks and from what I've heard, a bit uncomfortable). There is also a slight possibility your date straight shit her pants (this is rare, but does happen. I don't think you need a definition for this, but just in case you are like that one clueless drunk guy at Safeway, here you go). Wait! Hold the phone ...or your toilet paper! Girls don't fart.
But if they did...
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| Go Before You Go |
1.Get these tools:
- Perfume
- Shower
- Beano
- Smelly (good smelly) lotion
- A radio in the bathroom or IPOD hook up
- Smelly (good smelly) soap
- A neighbor or friend that lives near by. Like super near by.
2. Eat and go before you go
Before a date, you should have a small dinner or lunch. Make sure to use your own toilet (and toilet paper) and your own pad (as in house) before your date, but not too close to your date time because what if your date wants to come upstairs? This is especially important if you live in a studio because your whole apartment will be stinky, so be proactive and go before you go!
3. Avoid super farty party foods
When you are on your date, order a burrito with no beans and light cheese. Take beano and follow the directions. Go to the bathroom before you leave the restaurant. This way, you don't have to be uncomfortable and potentially fart later on in the evening when your date is still around.
3. Shower after your farty party at your place!
If you choose to ignore steps one through three and you end up at your place (hopefully it is your place because you really don't want to stink up his bathroom or clog the toilet and yes, this does happen), you can always go to the bathroom at your pad. However, you will have to think of some lame excuse as to why you are all of a sudden taking a shower right after dinner. I suppose you could just say, "I'm going to take a quick shower and freshen up." What else would you say? At this point, your farty party has just been busted because you pretty much just said, "I have to shit, but I'm turning on the shower so you can't hear anything and for some reason, the shower might cover the smell." You ignored steps one through three so what else can I do for you?
4. Be honest. "I have to shit OK! F@$k you!"
Don't care about farting? Keep reading.
On my next burrito adventure, I decided to check out Pepinos in NW Portland. I ordered the Thai Burrito with chicken. Here are my observations:
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| Pepinos - Thai Burrito |
1. Size: huge (the "that's what she said" jokes are getting old so get your mind out of the gutter). It's like a shake weight that you don't want to shake because beans and sauce will end up flying everywhere.
2. Tortilla: pretty darn good. I got a wheat tortilla and it was charred just right, but sauce was oozing out of the ends.
3. First Bite: rice, lots of rice and a whole lot of some sort of peanut sauce. Second bite is chicken, more sauce, like lots of sauce. Don't get me wrong, the sauce is good (a bit sweet), but runny. The peppers add a nice crunch. I have to eat this thing fast before it turns into soup.
4. Veggies/Toppings: chicken, rice, peppers to sauce ratio? Not equal. I think there are beans in this...or it is part of the sauce?
5. Ends: they are fabulous. Just the right amount with some rice and chicken which left for a perfect last bite. Yes, I finished the whole thing. I have sticky hands, sticky table, sticky clothes...sauce here, sauce there.
6. Burrito overall rating (A-F scale): I give this bad boy a B. It's good, but you guessed it. Too much sauce.
There you have it. Want to help me accomplish my goal? Suggest a place I have to try! You never know...we could be famous.
