The Biggest Burrito. The Biggest Quake. The Goose.

What are we advised to do during the big quake?

We're Portlanders. We like bikes, but don't like bicyclists. We like beer, but make fun of the popular brew cycle (which is a lot of fun, despite you haters). We love and try to protect our old historic buildings and homes, but they will most likely collapse during the big quake that is theoretically overdue. Since most of us live and/or work in these older buildings, what in the world should we do during the biggest natural disaster in North American history? We are told to have an emergency kit in our homes although our houses may turn into rubble which will make it nearly impossible to get to any kit, so what good is that? We're advised to make a plan although we might be trapped inside an office building so how is that helpful?  What is a realistic plan that makes sense?

I got something for you all that is not only realistic, but is very easy.

Disclaimer: I am in no way any sort of seismological expert (see...that isn't even a word...or is it?) or Geologist so you really shouldn't take anything I say regarding earthquakes seriously. I took one Geology class in college because I had to and pretty much spaced out during most of it because it was incredibly boring. Don't worry mom, I got a "B" in that class. I am simply a lover of Mexican food trying to strategically set out a plan to help me (and maybe others) get to some sort of shelter or Mexican restaurant. Ready?

Put the following in your car:
- Sneakers.
- Can opener - wait for it
- Black beans in a can
- Tapitio hot sauce
- Toilet paper
- Gloves

Do this:
1. Walk across the Tillicum Bridge. This bridge will be one of the only bridges standing after the quake.
2. Walk to SE 28th and SE Ankeny.
3. When you arrive at this corner, it should smell like Mexico food.
4. Search through the rubble and look for tortillas and shredded (cooked) chicken.
5. Put together a burrito.
6. Eat it!

I'm specifically taking you to The Goose. Burritos here are so big, there has to be something leftover to eat after the quake. Right?!

The Goose is conveniently located on 28th and SE Ankeny in the heart of Portlandia. They appear to have a Tex Mex themed menu and they even have food topped with eggs. I like me some egg topped food. The bar is filled with Day of the Dead decor and the staff is very friendly.




I ordered the Tinga Chicken Burrito. I expected a spicy burrito. What did I get? A burrito baby with lovely layer of sauce, spices and shredded chicken that was simply amazing. This qualifies as the biggest, yet tastiest burrito I have had so far. Here's how to eat it:

Step 1:

Start with a fork.

Step 2.

Screw the fork. Try to pick it up.

Step 3:

That didn't work at all. Back to fork.

Step 4:

Loose all manners. Who cares what others think? Cut burrito in half and pick it up and eat.

Step 5:

Shit. Back to fork.

Step 6:

Screw it. I'm just going for it. I'm just going for it!

Although this burrito is huge, it seems to stay together quite well. It's so delicious you will want to dig through the rubble to not only find tequila, but burrito remains that will be tasty...even with a little bit of dust. Yum!

Want to help me accomplish my goal? Suggest a place I have to try! Looking forward to sharing my next experience with you soon.

Girls. Don't. Fart.

Farts. The other "F" word we try to physically avoid especially when in public except for that weird drunk guy waiting in the express check-out line at the local Safeway who doesn't have a clue. Guys, more specifically, single guys, did you ever wonder why your date all of a sudden dismissed herself from the dinner table? You thought you got ditched. You thought it was your fart that you so innocently let loose on complete accident that scared your date away.

Shut it. Just shut it. I'm here to tell you that your date had to fart. As a matter of fact, she might have sharted (definition: when you shit your pants/panties just a little bit and create a brown streak of some sort. It kind of sucks and from what I've heard, a bit uncomfortable). There is also a slight possibility your date straight shit her pants (this is rare, but does happen. I don't think you need a definition for this, but just in case you are like that one clueless drunk guy at Safeway, here you go). Wait! Hold the phone ...or your toilet paper! Girls don't fart.

But if they did...

Go Before You Go

Ladies, I'm here to help you out during these somewhat common situations. The key is being proactive.

1.Get these tools:
- Perfume
- Shower
- Beano
- Smelly (good smelly) lotion
- A radio in the bathroom or IPOD hook up
- Smelly (good smelly) soap
- A neighbor or friend that lives near by. Like super near by.

2. Eat and go before you go
Before a date, you should have a small dinner or lunch. Make sure to use your own toilet (and toilet paper) and your own pad (as in house) before your date, but not too close to  your date time because what if your date wants to come upstairs? This is especially important if you live in a studio because your whole apartment will be stinky, so be proactive and go before you go!

3. Avoid super farty party foods
When you are on your date, order a burrito with no beans and light cheese. Take beano and follow the directions. Go to the bathroom before you leave the restaurant. This way, you don't have to be uncomfortable and potentially fart later on in the evening when your date is still around.

3. Shower after your farty party at your place!
If you choose to ignore steps one through three and you end up at your place (hopefully it is your place because you really don't want to stink up his bathroom or clog the toilet and yes, this does happen), you can always go to the bathroom at your pad. However, you will have to think of some lame excuse as to why you are all of a sudden taking a shower right after dinner. I suppose you could just say, "I'm going to take a quick shower and freshen up." What else would you say? At this point, your farty party has just been busted because you pretty much just said, "I have to shit, but I'm turning on the shower so you can't hear anything and for some reason, the shower might cover the smell." You ignored steps one through three so what else can I do for you?

4. Be honest. "I have to shit OK! F@$k you!"

Don't care about farting? Keep reading.

On my next burrito adventure, I decided to check out Pepinos in NW Portland. I ordered the Thai Burrito with chicken. Here are my observations:




Pepinos - Thai Burrito

1. Size: huge (the "that's what she said" jokes are getting old so get your mind out of the gutter). It's like a shake weight that you don't want to shake because beans and sauce will end up flying everywhere.

2. Tortilla: pretty darn good. I got a wheat tortilla and it was charred just right, but sauce was oozing out of the ends.

3. First Bite: rice, lots of rice and a whole lot of some sort of peanut sauce. Second bite is chicken, more sauce, like lots of sauce. Don't get me wrong, the sauce is good (a bit sweet), but runny. The peppers add a nice crunch. I have to eat this thing fast before it turns into soup.

4. Veggies/Toppings: chicken, rice, peppers to sauce ratio? Not equal. I think there are beans in this...or it is part of the sauce?

5. Ends: they are fabulous. Just the right amount with some rice and chicken which left for a perfect last bite. Yes, I finished the whole thing. I have sticky hands, sticky table, sticky clothes...sauce here, sauce there.

6. Burrito overall rating (A-F scale): I give this bad boy a B. It's good, but you guessed it. Too much sauce.


There you have it. Want to help me accomplish my goal? Suggest a place I have to try! You never know...we could be famous.